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NEVER. EVER. SPEND CHRISTMAS. WITH FAMILY. For those that asked how my Christmas went, allow me to angrily type out the bullshit that was my "Christmas" this year.
We were meant to be having Christmas with my Uncle, his partner and my Gran. I already KNEW the second Gran got invited that it was going to be terrible, but 4 hours into our festive fun, two bombs got dropped.
1. My gran decided to do her family tree (NEVER DO THIS PLZ.) and discovered, amongst loads of other horrible truths, that her mother isn't her mother and so half the family she thought she had aren't anymore.
2. Our extended family for a "surprise" decided to turn up and spend Christmas with us, too - my other uncle, his wife, his daughter and..........their hellish imp of a 7 year old son. Who is a total brat. He got a Wii AND an X-box 360 for Christmas - while my other two cousins got things that just totally fail in comparison.
Biiig family blowout occurs, and it's not even Christmas Eve. My sister decides she's going to be a little cow and whilst all this is going on, gets me into heaps of trouble through being sneaky and lying. Christmas Eve - my parents won't talk to me like a human being.
I am then made to be the waitress, tidy upper, babysitter for the rest of the time we were there. I eventually got so sick of being on my feet that I purposely took a knife to my hand (DON'T WORRY it was just a small gash, it didn't even hurt alot. Dl ) just so I could freaking REST. All the while the evil little shit that is my counsin decides it's really fun to kick me in the knees (Even though he KNOWS of my joint problems there) and GRAB MY ASS. Did his parents say anything? Nope. When I eventually snapped and told him if he did it again I'd do it to him, he ran in saying I'd hit him. I then proceed to get a shitty TEXT MESSAGE from my Uncle WHO IS IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME, giving me shit.
What. Maturity, parenting, motherfucker, do you speak it.
Present wise.... (taking into account of my birthday, in which I got next to nothing) I got a scarf and a bracelet. My sister gets an Ipod touch.
Also my "friends" have ignored me all Christmas. Be expecting some serious icing, you bitches.
This isn't fair. I must be a really bad person to deserve a year like the one I've had...and then to get my hopes up so far for a great Christmas, when it's the worst I've ever had.
So~ time for my New Year bombshell, while I'm here. And then you know what guys? After this, I'll be trying my best to not post this shit anymore. I'm aware it grates after awhile. It's a bit of a text wall, but if you do read it, then thanks. It means you care, which I appreciate. Also, it's going to take A LOT for me to write this. Just so you know. This is the last time I open myself up like this to anyone.
I know that I've probably been coming off a bit of a drama llama this year. I can't apologize for it. The sad truth of the matter is, I don't have anyone outside of the web that I feel I can open up to in the way that I do to you guys here on DA. I make these journals; not for attention or for any pity comments - nothing of that sort. Those that know me well enough will know I really, really hate that sort of thing. I make these journals so that you guys know why I'm acting the way I'm acting. I've always felt that I owe you that much, after everything you've all done for me.
The thing is, I'm confused about what do or say a lot of the time. When I was a kid, my Mum used to just let me get on with whatever - so I basically grew up in my own little world and never learnt any social skills. I struggle talking to people face to face and I often say or do things that people wouldn't say or do. I'm quiet. I'm more of a listener. I will quite happily sit on my own in a corner and get on with my own thing. I find it more entertaining to keep my own company than be with other people. I rarely make eye contact. I don't talk loudly at all - nor do I give my true opinions on things. If any of you ever get to meet me in real life, I think you'll be horrified at the diference between how I am on here, and how I am normally.
On the net, it's different - probably because there's no face to face contact and I can take my time and think about my responses. I'm a hideously shy person - not that you guys would know, because I come out of my shell a bit on here. I feel safer opening up to you guys about things... most things.
Guys, I am big, quivering wreck of a person. Not that you would know it. A few XD's and <3's here and no one ever suspects a thing, y'know? This last year I feel I've changed dramatically. I have anxiety attacks when I go out. I spend my time worrying endlessly over things normal people wouldn't. I can't even go into shops and look people in the face or ask for things, because I'm too scared of people now. I can swing from a high to a low in mere minutes, over the smallest of things.
A big issue this year has been friends. I never realized, being such a solitary person, just how much I've grown to need someone there to distract me and tell me it'll be OK - just someone to really be there as a FRIEND. I've not had that for much of this year. I've been pushed around, stamped on, abused, forgotten, shoved aside....and only ever brought back for convenience, obligation or guilt. Instead of feeling that I've been brought closer to people...I felt like I've drifted apart form them by miles. In some cases, I don't think I can repair everything that's gone or is going wrong anymore. I just don't have the energy.
I can't even being to tell you how much that hurts. It really, really hurts. It hurts to think of all the times I've been there for them and had to pick up the pieces... but when I needed it the absolute most... no one was there for me in the ways I needed. In fact, many of my "friends" have just made things worse.
I know many of you have offered for me to talk and open up - don't think I've not noticed or forgotten about that. But a big issue of me being able to open up is absolute trust. I've... put my heart on the line so much in the last few years - a huge gamble for me - and the odds just haven't come into my favour. That... makes opening up to people - especially those I'm not extremely close with impossible. I'm just too afraid. I don't want to be hurt anymore, because I really can't cope.
So, I quit. I'm tired of chasing after people. I'm tired of waiting around, hoping they'll remember or truly see just what it is they've done wrong. It's not healthy - but I don't have the courage to burn my bridges.
My Dad told me something the other day and it's true: Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed...but there will always be cracks.
I'm tired of trying to fix things I haven't broken - things I've poured my heart, energy and every waking moment or thought into keeping together. So...2010 is a year where I need to go back to a solitary existance. I'm not saying I don't want to be friends with you guys - I'm not such a nasty person that I'd slap you all in the face like that. It's just that in order for this to work, I need to apply it to all areas and take it seriously. In plain terms, what I'm saying is:
To those of you I've opened up to... I can't do it anymore. I'll always be there for you and I'll try my best to always be the Nyah you've known; but I can't let anyone have that extra part of me anymore. I don't want words of pity or sympathy - all they do is make me feel worse.
All I'm asking is....acceptance. This year, I'm going to work really hard to get myself back to how you all used to know me as, just less of a pushover and less willing to swallow all the shit. I'm going to work hard to gain my trust back into people.
Please accept this from me. I will hardly ever ask such big things of people...but I'm asking this now, from the bottom of whatever kind of soul or heart I do have left. Please try to accept me in this way too. Please accept me. I won't ask anything else - simply because I know that I'll be setting myself up for disappointment.
If you can't...then it'll be really sad, but I'll do my best to understand why you've made that decision. I tried to stand up for myself and change my relationships a few months ago... and all I met with was people's selfish desires to keep me as they've liked - under their foot or as they've always known me - for their OWN comfort. One person even claimed I was being selfish.
I can't be around people like that. So I had to say goodbye. And it was horrifically sad and I'll probably always still hurt over it, but it wasn't healthy for me. I've spent so many years looking after people...that yeah, yes, it is time for me to be selfish now.
If you can't deal, then you aren't the person I thought you were. And sadly, if it happens, I won't bother with you anymore.
That said... to those that have offered to help me along,
thank you. Really, from the bottom of my heart. You guys at least did that. I really do love you all and I don't mean for any of this to be a kick in the face - don't think I don't appreciate you all. I do. If it wasn't for half of you... I doubt I would be alive. Simply, that's how tough it's been on me - and still is. I'm so frightened of slipping backwards. I'll always love you for the support you've shown. I just can't give you myself in return anymore until I feel I can trust people again.
(Nor am I very good with words - especially about deeply serious emotional topics like this.)
And to those of you that have abused me this year....well. I forgive you for dragging me down and making me feel even worse - for making me feel like I couldn't go on in life anymore. I do, no catches, no lies: I forgive you. And I very rarely pray because I'm not religious, but sometimes I do out of hope. So when the time comes, I will pray for you. I pray that you'll learn how to be better, more compassionate people. I pray that what you've done to me ends with me and won't continue on to anyone else. No one deserves to feel so hurt and betrayed and used.
But know that there's a price to pay, and that price is the next time you really need me, don't expect me to be there for you. Don't expect me to be the friend I've always been. Because you haven't shown me the love or compassion you promised you would as my friend, I'll no longer give that to you, either. Don't expect me to heal our friendships or chase after you, either. You don't deserve it from me anymore.
Well, that's it. Though there are many other problems I need to sort out, but I decided to post this one here because it's a place where everyone I know can read - offline and on.
Also...I always get people asking if what I've wrote is about them. No. I /never/ do that - especially in such a public place - that is, in short, disgusting. Not part of my character at all. I've not wrote this with anyone specific in mind at all or to drop any subtle hints - but rather as a general notice. Believe me, from now on, if you hurt me I'm going to tell you so, directly and in private. And don't expect me to be sugary about it, either.
And please don't entreat me about what I've said. Have I done this, or have I done that? No. If we've had discussions about things in the past, then that's fine - I don't hold grudges and like I've said, I forgive you and what's in the past is in the past if it's been discussed. Half of this doesn't even apply to most of you, but more to people I know offline. I just really needed to be brave and say this, once and for all, to all the people that I hold dear to me. Because I love you guys. That word is used too often...and you know, if I tell you I love you, I'd hope you'd feel honoured. I never say I love someone unless I really, really mean it.
I'm going to do this. I have to. Because right now I am at the lowest point anyone can be. And I refuse to completely drown, so...
I don't want you guys to sad, or angry or whatever about any of this. I don't need it. If you want to say something, or you want to help, please tell me how all your Christmases went. Talk to me about the good things that are going on in your lives. Tell me about your aspiriations for 2010, even.
I promise this will be the last negative journal you guys get from me. Alright?
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, guys. I love you all so much. I really do hope the New Year brings you what you want.
- Nyah
<3 <3 <3 xxx
Stamps on Shoutboard!
.Winnteerrr. 
Peaceful
Miserable
Sarcastic
Alienated
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